(Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)
Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.
Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.
Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.
Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own.
(Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)
Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.
Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.
Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.
Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.
Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
members of the star trek cast sign your blog.
The final Stefon sketch from Saturday Night Live
The single greatest snl skit of all timeQ
We’re open in NYC today at 69 Leonard St. from 11-7 PM for our Ghostbusters 30th Anniversary art show! Our friends at Flavorwire wrote about it today!
We have the Clark Orr prints above in-store!!!
In the dwarf world, that’s [not growing facial hair] is a big no no, isn’t it?
Aidan Turner and Dean O’Gorman @ The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug premiere in Berlin 9/12 - 2013
what if age of ultron is like introducing wanda and pietro and it’s like
"the maximoff twins are mu[cut to another scene]"
and then later there’s a fighting and someone goes
"oh god she’s a m[LOUD EXPLOSIONS]"
and then in the aftermath someone’s like
"so you guys are [CAR HORN]ts huh?"
and it just keeps going through the whole movie